Time for a Reboot

So my relationship is falling apart bit by bit. I'm not entirely sure how to fix it anymore. I'm gonna do the whole monogamy thing, for one. That should make her happy. Keyword there is "should". I don't know if I know what makes her happy anymore. I am so in love with her, but I feel like I'm throwing a part of myself away in the process. I used those exact words to tell her how I was feeling, and she told me I was blowing it out of proportion and that it isn't something that's a part of me. Just something I have to learn to let go. I understand polyamory is a thing, but maybe I'm not polyamorous. Maybe I'm just young and curious. I mean at least I was able to squeeze in a bit of exploration before this whole open thing collapsed. Man, that's going to be hard to let go, though. That was.... indescribable. The word "incredible" undersells what exactly that sex was. It was everything I wanted it to be and so much more. So rough, yet gentle. I was lucky and got it twice. Is it selfish to want more? Perhaps not. Would I do it again if I had the chance? Now, there's a good question...

The Virus of Life

This song just fits me to a T. Don't really wanna explain how but anyways.


(Yeah)

I can see you but you can't see me
I could touch you and you wouldn't even feel me
Wait a second and you'll settle down
I'm just waiting, 'til you really let your guard down
You're relaxed, you're sublime, you're amazing
You don't even know the danger you're facing
If I'm quiet, I'll slide up behind you
And if you hear me I'll enjoy trying to find you

I've been with you all day
I'm trying to stay calm
I'm impatient and it's really hard to breathe
I'm going to empty you and fill you in with me

Just keep the violence down
Not yet - don't make a sound
Oh God I'm feeling it
It's reaching fever pitch
My skin is caving in
My heart is driving out
No mercy, no remorse
Let nature take its course

Watching - Bring me to my knees
waiting - I am your disease
Lover - set my symptom free
Covered - you won't feel a thing
You can't feel a thing

(shh, wait, shh, no, wait, wait, no, shh, wait, wait, not yet, no, wait, wait)

I'm sweating through my veins
I'm trying to hold on
It's unbearable, it's almost worse for me
I'm gonna tear you apart and make you see
MAKE YOU SEE!

Watching - Bring me to my knees
waiting - I am your disease
Lover - set my symptom free
Covered - you won't feel a thing

This is the virus
THE VIRUS OF LIFE
This is inside us
The crisis, the knife
This is the virus
The virus of life
This is inside us
The crisis, the knife

It's almost time to play
It's time to be afraid
I can't control the pain
I can't control in vain
Oh God I'm ready now
You're almost ready now
I'm gonna love you now
I'm gonna break put you down
I see you in the dark
I see you all the way
I see you in the light
I see you plain as day
I wanna touch your face
I wanna touch your soul
I wanna wear your face
I wanna burn your soul

Watching - Bring me to my knees
waiting - I am your disease
Lover - set my symptom free
Covered - You can't love me

This is the virus, the virus of life
This is the virus, the virus of life
This is the virus, the virus of life
This is the virus, the virus of life

THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!
THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!
THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!
THIS IS THE VIRUS, THE VIRUS OF LIFE!

Revolving Door

Walk into this house and you'll feel the tension,
with ghosts in the floorboards and not to mention
the skeletons hidden in the closets,
withering away under more deposits.

I feel the cracks and splinters under my toes,
the eggshells of forgotten woes.
You'd feel them too if you were here,
you'd feel the ache of silenced fear.

This is the house of senseless fights,
of selfishness and small delights.
I love and hate this place at once,
the place I often play the dunce.

But do not think I hate the people;
I hate the ruins, the fallen steeple
that left the standards on the floor,
and let the wicked in once more.

In and out and to and fro,
The people often come and go,
and come and go and come again,
no telling who or why or when.

There's plenty chaos to make you sick.
When they're the fire, you're the wick.
This is the house where up is down:
To save yourself, you have to drown.

This is the place where the good are punished,
their deeds ignored and the wicked are lavished
with love and attention no matter the cost.
(And they wonder why I've felt so lost.)

So come to this house, our arms will be open,
no matter your background, conscience, or burden.
This house is one I can love no more,
the house with the revolving door.

Scapegoat

I am so fucking over this. I am sick and tired and just plain fucking over it. I'm tired of being Cathy's little scapegoat to bitch at and be all passive aggressive towards. I'm not your damn toilet so stop dumping on me! I am not your daughter Sarah. I am not the one who almost fucked up Christmas for being a snobby, selfish bitch. I love my family and I respect people around the holidays. Don't get me fucked up, I don't act fake to make people happy, but I don't start shit either. We went to therapy. I'm trying to fix this fucked up relationSHIT. I wanna be able to call you mom like Katie calls my mom. I just wanna be a happy damn family. Is that so difficult? Shit I'm nice to Sarah even when she's a lazy bitch. I MEAN SHE FUCKING STEPPED IN SHIT AND DIDN'T PICK IT UP. I DID. Not to mention that it was fucking gross. But either way whatever. I didn't bitch. I picked it up because I don't live in a damn barn. I'm not an animal. I am the bigger person here and cleaned up her mess. Whatever. She moved out. Ok? I can't be happy about that? Sorry. But I am. I fucking said it. I am so glad she's gone. I love Sarah because she's family but I have never known someone more fake. I see glimpses of who she really is every now and then but then it's gone. She's a damn chameleon that doesn't have control of the color changing switch. It really makes me sad to see someone that lost not getting help, not thinking that they even need help. But whatever. That's her life. I'm just tired of getting blamed for it. I go to school. I'm in a stable, healthy relationship. I get good grades. I manage my money. I clean up my messes. What the fuck have I done to be blamed for? I'm tired of my house not feeling like home.

I Gasp and Hold My Breath

So I've been crazy obsessing over Chevelle lately. I find their lyrics have so much more meaning than 90% of the garbage out today, and it baffles me that they're not as popular as the top song of the moment which happens to be.... (searching) .... We Found Love by Rihanna. Never heard of it.... Ok well I just listened to it. Immediately realized why it's #1: Video includes drugs, sex, violence, and love. Song includes love, a catchy beat, and chorus that is comprised of the title of the song plus a few words (literally a few) and that's it. Nice to dance to. Video is somewhat powerful but with a song that doesn't back it up.
Anyways. I am love love loving the shit out of Chevelle right now. Really that's all I wanted to share. So yeah. You should go listen to some Chevelle too if that's what rocks your boat. They sure rock mine. Freakin Pete and that voice and that face and that lyricism.... oh yes.
Peace, bitches.

I Dunno Whatever

So this is the first actual blog post I've posted in a very long time. I wanna start by saying that this is just my thoughts and my life and whatever. This blog will contain vulgarity and perversion and the like but you know what? I don't care! It's for me so whatever.

ANYways. I'm just relaxing right now. I hate the holidays sometimes. My family fucking stresses me out. I know I know, everyone's family is stressful. But fuck when you have a family tree like mine where all the branches are fucked up and it's like 3 or 4 fucking trees connected in some weird way, it gets a bit ridiculous to keep up with. I have family with my dad and family with my mom and family with my other mom and then my girlfriend's family and I just wanna explode. I have a room but I don't have a room. I mean I do, like it's mine but it's also my sister's. I'm so grateful to her for this. She keeps me sane in my mad world. I really don't know where I'd be without Katie. Thank you for everything, sis.

So other than all that shit, I just uuuuugh. I don't even know what to say. So much bullshit to say but anyways. Ok so that's all I'm gunna say for now. Peace, bitches.