Time for a Reboot

So my relationship is falling apart bit by bit. I'm not entirely sure how to fix it anymore. I'm gonna do the whole monogamy thing, for one. That should make her happy. Keyword there is "should". I don't know if I know what makes her happy anymore. I am so in love with her, but I feel like I'm throwing a part of myself away in the process. I used those exact words to tell her how I was feeling, and she told me I was blowing it out of proportion and that it isn't something that's a part of me. Just something I have to learn to let go. I understand polyamory is a thing, but maybe I'm not polyamorous. Maybe I'm just young and curious. I mean at least I was able to squeeze in a bit of exploration before this whole open thing collapsed. Man, that's going to be hard to let go, though. That was.... indescribable. The word "incredible" undersells what exactly that sex was. It was everything I wanted it to be and so much more. So rough, yet gentle. I was lucky and got it twice. Is it selfish to want more? Perhaps not. Would I do it again if I had the chance? Now, there's a good question...

Scapegoat

I am so fucking over this. I am sick and tired and just plain fucking over it. I'm tired of being Cathy's little scapegoat to bitch at and be all passive aggressive towards. I'm not your damn toilet so stop dumping on me! I am not your daughter Sarah. I am not the one who almost fucked up Christmas for being a snobby, selfish bitch. I love my family and I respect people around the holidays. Don't get me fucked up, I don't act fake to make people happy, but I don't start shit either. We went to therapy. I'm trying to fix this fucked up relationSHIT. I wanna be able to call you mom like Katie calls my mom. I just wanna be a happy damn family. Is that so difficult? Shit I'm nice to Sarah even when she's a lazy bitch. I MEAN SHE FUCKING STEPPED IN SHIT AND DIDN'T PICK IT UP. I DID. Not to mention that it was fucking gross. But either way whatever. I didn't bitch. I picked it up because I don't live in a damn barn. I'm not an animal. I am the bigger person here and cleaned up her mess. Whatever. She moved out. Ok? I can't be happy about that? Sorry. But I am. I fucking said it. I am so glad she's gone. I love Sarah because she's family but I have never known someone more fake. I see glimpses of who she really is every now and then but then it's gone. She's a damn chameleon that doesn't have control of the color changing switch. It really makes me sad to see someone that lost not getting help, not thinking that they even need help. But whatever. That's her life. I'm just tired of getting blamed for it. I go to school. I'm in a stable, healthy relationship. I get good grades. I manage my money. I clean up my messes. What the fuck have I done to be blamed for? I'm tired of my house not feeling like home.